Loved ones can be complicated. As your children begin to grow up it only makes sense that we count on our extended family and friends to encourage and guide our kids.
But, what if they undermine your parenting and discourage your children instead? What then?
“When you want to know the real secrets about your dad and mom, come and see me.” Were the words whispered to Amanda’s daughter.
Your parents are too strict. You need to know what they were like when they were younger.
I feel so bad for you. You have it so hard at home.
You need to know the truth about your mother—your father.
The Bible warns us against this type of evil speech.
A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.
Proverbs 11:12
Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech. I Peter 3:10
Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Leviticus 19:16
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Exodus 20:16
Whoever spreads slander is a fool. Proverbs 10:18
Amanda shared, “I am so hurt. Why would someone I love share stories with my child about me? Especially things they had no right to share and knew very little about?”
Slander is a painful poison. Now add to that pain the fact that someone involves your child and now you wrestle with bitterness and unforgiveness. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines slander this way:
SLA’NDER, v.t. To defame; to injure by maliciously uttering a false report respecting one; to tarnish or impair the reputation of one by false tales, maliciously told or propagated. Slander, that worst of poisons, ever finds an easy entrance to ignoble minds.
– Daniel Webster
Most often, slanderous words come from someone who is immature in their faith. Sadly, there are times where no amount of schooling your friend or relative will matter. So, as a parent what is your part to play? I think that depends on how old your child is.
- Address this person. If your child is under age and dependent on you then it’s your duty to confront the slanderer. As a parent you protect your little one from hurts, slanderous words can hurt and affect your child and your relationship in painful ways. But, if your child is an adult, warning them about who they’re befriending is your best course of action. If they continue to openly seek a slanderers company than that is their choice.
- Pray. Whether you’ve talked to the slanderer or not, it’s time to give God your pain and allow Him to act on your behalf. By all means, do not slander a slanderer. Be silent.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act. – Psalm 37:5
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent. – Exodus 14:14
- Forgive. God forgave you when you were still a sinner. If we are to truly be children of the Living God we must exercise forgiveness, too—even in the midst of the pain.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8
But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.- Matthew 5:44-45
Be encouraged. This situation is not new to the Lord. He has been slandered from the beginning of time. He knows the hurt you’re feeling and He has overcome the world. When you feel the sting of a slanderous story or the crushing weight of a child who believes ill of you because of one—be strong, forgive and pray, then watch for God to act on your behalf.
Wow – can’t say we’ve had to cross this particular bridge. I suppose I work with the idea . . . confess it all up front to the kids. That way, they won’t be surprised about the junk that belongs to me.
Really, are people this evil? I (as well as members of my family) have been the brunt of awful gossip, but I’ve never had anyone corner my kids.
My parents and brother slandered me to my friends, relatives, wife, kids so much for so many years. First it was my love and respect for them that kept me quiet. I was searching for answers all my life, especially why i got beaten so much my whole life, even when i was an adult in my forties, and in front of my wife and kids!
When i saw my kids psychologically disturbed i started speaking out.
FN–I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s so very painful. So glad to hear you’re learning how to speak out in love.
My whole life i was searching for answers to solve this puzzle! Nobody believed me, even when they saw me injured, beaten. Even when i was in hospital after two serious suicide attempts. It continued as usual. I went to relatives, elders, religious elders, but i live in such a primitive society they refuse to acknowledge psychology as a science.
Until a few months i didn’t even know the word “Narcissistic” I used to settle on other answers about why all this is going on. But with time those answers would weather out, meaning, the parameters would change. My life became a complete waste. All i could do was just lock up myself in a room and life isolated.
Recently i stumbled upon a word “Empath”. Had never heard it before. I read the article and was amazed how everything mentioned there matched me! After a month or so i stumbled upon “Narcissism”! It was like the Holy Bible of answers to my whole life of trauma! I mean, exactly as the psychologists say, victims of narcissism usually resort to self harm and can lead to suicide. Years ago i started cutting my arms, banging my head on walls in my isolation so severely sometimes even plaster would crack on walls, my narcissistic family never bothered to hug me ask me console me. Nobody absolutely nobody even stopped whatever they were doing, having fun, etc.
At first my wife was on my side. She was hated too. Than they started rewarding her for going against me. My kids were naturally in love with me. Their minds were poisoned brainwashed. It’s too long a story but i just want to say thank you for all the research that has been done on this aspect of life called Narcissism!
Even now my problems are not solved because all the symptoms remain the same, including that nobody believes me even when i show them evidence. But i’m working on it. I am hoping to prepare a video presentation to make it easy for people to comprehend what really happened. I mean, i’m not saying i’m so important that i need a video presentation. But honor is an essential part of the science of life. And, after i die, i don’t want my kids to continue to live in shame that they are my children.
Beautifully written & explained. Thank you.
Thanks for the comment Michele — so happy it resonated with you.
Sadly I had to walk away from my family. My mother spent years slandering me behind my back and I had no idea she was doing this. Ive since learned she is a malignant narcissist and was doing all the classic behaviors of this disordered personality…. I forgive her and love her but I can not be around her and her flying monkeys because she never stops destroying me and its gets worse so I walked away to protect myself….its been 8 months and nobody has called me or reached out. Its like I never existed . I know I exist and I keep positive and enjoy and live life to the best of my ability and I keep moving forward. My thoughts and prayers to all who are experiencing this profound dysfunction. Please know love should not hurt no matter who it is even if its family.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Sally. Prayers today being sent your way for peace and wisdom in your separation.