I’m honored to have author, Dineen Miller, here today. I had the chance to get to know her up close and personal this summer while at a conference in the Bay Area. I wish she lived a lot closer.
Raising teens today is a huge challenge. I can already tell there are bobbing heads out there, agreeing with that statement.
With regard to my own struggling teen, I’ve come in contact with so many other moms out there, dealing with some pretty heavy-duty issues with their teenagers. How dowe ride these choppy waters and navigate our teens into a place of functioning and thriving adulthood?
- You’re not responsible for everything. This wasa hard one for me to finally come to grips with. I didn’t cause my daughter’s issues. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent it or ongoing health issues and anxiety that she’s now going through. I can’t fix it, nor should I hold myself responsible for the outcome. I do what I can for my daughter, then have to leave the rest in God’s hands and TRUST Him for the outcome.
- Live in the moment. When we first got my daughter’s cancer diagnosis, this lesson hit hard and fast. Life became consumed with doctor appointments, surgery and treatments. And that was just the beginning of what my daughter would face. This lesson is what kept me sane some days because I didn’t let the bad moments define all the others. There are
precious moments of love and closeness in every day. Grab and appreciate them. They are the inspiration and fuel to keep you going. - Learn to listen. Again, a big lesson for me, especially since I’ve always considered myself a good listener. When I’m in mommy mode, I want to fix things. I finally learned that a lot of the time, our teens just want us to listen and really HEAR them. This takes practice but it’s vital. Our teens don’t want us to “fix” them. Most of the time they will come to the right place, but they need us to hear them out. There will be times that we will need to say something, get directly involved, or take action, but most of the time, they just want to know you care and listening is a huge way to show it.
- Pray like crazy and don’t stop. I confess it’s a challenge, especially when my heart is breaking to see her sadness and frustration that she can’t be “normal.” It’s hard when you see them take a couple steps forward and then fall back three steps. Will it ever change? Will this person I’ve worked so hard to raise into adulthood walk into that role with confidence and strength?
God is faithful. I cling to this truth, because He’s proven it to me time after time. My challenge is not to let my impatience get in the way. Again, trusting God is vital here. He knows our kids. He knows our mother’s heart for them. God can take care of whatever is going on. It may not turn out the way we imagined, but I can guarantee you that it will be the best possible outcome and result for your teenager.
Dineen Miller is co-author of, Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (Regal Books) and the author of upcoming releases The Soul Saver and A Love Meant To Be. Follow Dinnen on Facebook & Twitter!
Joanne & Dineen,
Thank you. What perfect advice. I know nothing about having a child with cancer, but as a counselor and a mom who raised two children (both are college-age now), I can offer a little wisdom. Much of it I learned the hard way.
I would say the hardest thing is for parents to realize we are not our children and they are not us. They are going to make different choices; mistakes. Of course we have to guide them and try to shield them from dark things, but teenagers are doing a very important task: They are differentiating.
I see so many parents of teens who don’t let their children seperate and experiment with their identity. If you don’t let them do it at this age, it may get much more difficult down the road.
I will never forget when my daughter asked to get her belly button pierced. Normally I would have said, “Over my dead body!” but I was just learning about teenage differentiation in counseling school. I decided to let her do it but I made it a teaching moment:
I told her that her body was hers and she could make choices about it. I wanted to empower her! The funny thing is that she got it done and six months later took it out. She was done trying out that persona.
Lucille, thanks so much for the great comment. It’s amazing how as a parent to teens, when you step back and allow them to have the power to make mistakes…they don’t wan’t to make as many as we thought they would!
Thank you, Lucille! It’s been a journey, one I’m learning the hard way some days. LOL! My daughter’s about to leave the nest much sooner than I thought she would, but I have to let her go and spread her wings. She may fall at first but as you did with your daughter, she has to find out for herself. Love that story, btw. And Joanne, thank you so much for having me on your blog. I’m honored, my friend, and wishing too that we lived a whole lot closer! 🙂
Great post and great advice…so glad that I stlopped by late tonight….