Friendships are the life blood of kids, especially teenagers. There comes a day when they will step over your dead body to get to a friend. Grace, my junior higher, is struggling with making friends at her new school.
There’s something to be said about staying in one area all of your thirteen years. People know you. Friendships have time to marinate and go deep. Moving 2300 miles away can put a big hiccup in your giddyup when it comes to keeping those friendships.
Once children head off to school and especially in junior high and high school, parents fade into the background of importance and friends take center-stage. So, when your child struggles with making friends it’s like you or I struggling at making a livelihood. It’s their focus, all they desire and all that’s important to them.
“How was your day, kiddo?” I ask Grace as she gets into our car after school. “Let’s just say—I’m glad it’s over.” She drops into the front seat. Grace has been eating alone in the library at lunch, lately. It hurts me so. Interest in the “new kid from California” has worn off. “Those kids don’t know what they’re missing. You’re a gift, honey. They just haven’t had a chance to get to know you yet, that’s all.” I remind her.
In the Bible we see two examples of a good, solid friendship—David and Jonathan (2 Samuel 18:1-30) and Mary and Elizabeth (Luke 1:39-56). Both are solid and true, faithful, loyal and encouraging. Those traits are difficult to teach a pre-teen or teenage son or daughter. But, it’s our job to teach our kids.
Here’s a few things I teach my children about friends.
- Friends want your best. A friend wants you to succeed. They encourage you to be and do your best. That can be a tough one to teach kids because they don’t yet have the wisdom to see a decision to it’s final act.
- One good friend. Encourage your child that less is more. It’s not the number of friends they have but how good a friend their closest friend is. I love this translation of Proverbs 18:24:
Some friends may ruin you,
but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother.
- Seasons. Friends are sometimes only for a season. That’s been a tough one for me to remember, too. I recently was hurt by a friend back in California. She was really interested in my friendship while I was there, but after moving it seems I was only a friend collected for her connection purposes. Ouch.
- Friends make time. We can say all we want, “You’re my friend.” But our actions always expose our heart. Do we take time for that friend? Do we pray for that friend or reach out when they come to mind? It takes time to make a good friend and a good friend makes time for you.
How can you encourage your child and help them nurture a new friendship?
- Show them. Wisdom is a parenting-perk. As an adult you have a good eye for someone who would make a good friend for your child. Sure, they may not agree. Don’t force a friendship. But, there’s nothing wrong with pointing out a potential friend’s attributes; kindness, gentleness, mercy, unselfishness.
- Encourage spending time. Grace has had a hard time at her school but her youth group at church has been a blessing where friends are concerned. I’ve encouraged Grace to invite a friend over to watch a chick flick or make cookies. We’ve even had sleepovers full of fun. Time together makes a difference.
- To make a friend—be a friend. None of us are perfect. We all have areas we can grow in. I have the attention span of a gnat. Which means, I can overlook a friend’s birthday or doctor’s appointment. That’s not good. To make a friend I must be a friend. Tenderly point out an area you see in your child where they need a little growth. Maybe they’re too competitive. Or, they could be the friend who never stops talking. Maybe they’re way too boastful , prideful or full of themselves.
Relationships are a part of life. What your child learns now will help them better navigate friendships and even marriage one day. Is your child having a tough time making friends? Don’t worry, mom. This too shall pass. And, along the way, you’re child will learn compassion for those struggling, too.
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